Pregnant

okay so here i am enjoying a rare moment of blog reading & bam it hits me!



let me back up a bit.


today i had a number of subjects to catch up on with my reading, but hubby drove off with my briefcase in the car.


i use the term briefcase because it really only consists of a really large purse that i carry & a box whose handles are breaking, because i carry heavy books & binders in it.


initially i thought that i would lounge around with the kids & read a book. suddenly i sat down & had the urge to sign into my dashboard & catch up on some blogs. some here i am in leisure oblivion checking out the baby be blessed blog. when i run into...the banner for the cinderella dolls! of course curiosity gets the best of me & i click on it. at the top of the page it reads....Support Show Hope and purchase a Cinderella Doll, and guess which song is playing? "How HE loves us," from David Crowder Band. what is so horrible about that? nothing except here are beautiful dolls that are being used to support a wonderful cause-Show Hope. i quickly hit the back button to at least get the song to stop playing, because now that I have read Mary Beth & Steven Curtis Chapman's book, i can't help but think about Maria and their entire family. upon hitting the back button i find a link for "Blessings of Hope" by now my heart is saying don't do it, but my brain is saying, it is okay to check it out. what do i find here? more dolls that are being given to orphans!! the website explains it as this..."Blessings of Hope is an extension of Baby be Blessed as a non profit doll outreach ministry to children in orphanages and other countries around the world. It is simply showing the love and hope we have in Jesus Christ through a simple handmade doll."


now as i am writing this my heart is breaking.


I WANT TO ADOPT CHILDREN!!!!!!!


okay husband and i have 5 between the two of us, but i don't care. we are commanded to take care of the widows & orphans. i HATE knowing that there are children out there that want a mommy & daddy to love them. there are children that need someone to be there for them. they just want some kindness, respect, joyfulness, compassion. i want to give it to them. but i don't have the means to do so. i don't understand it.


i try to listen to a radio show titled Morning Breath. it is a drive time devotional hosted by the pastor of east coast christian center, Dan Stallbaum{www.eccc.com} well just last week as i was having one of my marathon sessions, pastor Dan was talking about having dreams & desires in us that have been placed there by GOD. things that we carry around and never feel okay until we complete them. you know things you just gotta get out of your system. well i am so pregnant with adoption that i don't know what to do. just a couple of days ago, i dreamed that i was able to see my boys that i had left behind. basically i gave birth to them & i didn't see them again for 14+years. it was the most wonderful reunion! overnight i had four teen-age boys!! before you ask, no i don't have four boys waiting in the wings somewhere. i know that dream was about adoption. i distinctly remember awaking and feeling totally at peace.


just today in an unrelated conversation, i told my daughter that i have given up on trying to understand GOD'S Ways & Plans, but i must trust that it is for my good every time i see or hear about the Chapman family, i am stirred up with adoption pangs. yet that isn't the only time that it bothers me. every time i see a hungry child, or as the kids and i read the elsie dinsmore book, i watch a movie about orphans/lost children, etc.